I Had Depression.

IMG_2483

First and foremost I would like to thank the Lord our God who allowed me to love myself even when I was at my lowest point.

So  have you ever been in a situation where you felt like God has surely taken a trip to the and forgot that you have problems that needed solutions and miracles, to make matters worse, you have the world to respond to and they are waiting liking the devil on its heels breathing on your neck , waiting for you to slip a word so that it can swallow you whole. You lay on your bed and you are trying to sleep of the memories and it gets worse when you wake up because you realize that time is an illusion and that pain, failure and sorrow is real and it hurts!

I had deep depression, and I was the type to pretend that everything was fine but deep inside I was fighting a battle everyday , and my mind became my enemy, it was like I was stuck watching my life replaying itself inside my head and I tried so hard to walk or sleep it off but it never worked. I had to conquer my mind and I was failing miserably , It had total control , my attitude took a turn and I was always angry and annoyed, it took one moment that changed everythingIMG_2485.JPG

I had to define my Pain.

I was not going to get any where if I didn’t understand the extent of pain I was harboring. I had to cry till I couldn’t anymore, I had to question  everything until I was satisfied , basically I decided to seek out what was making me feel like I was trash.

My self-esteem had hit rock bottom and I gave up on make up and on anything that I had fun doing, my depression made me cut of everybody in hopes that they wouldn’t see me at my weakest point, yet by pushing them away I was indirectly showing them I didn’t consider their friendship and loyalty because I questioned my own. I was alone for the first time in my life and I saw myself as Josiane , in my weakest form.

It was at this point where I decided I was not going to give up on Me.

I deserved happiness like others did, I gave myself so much punishment for things that others did to me instead of guarding myself against feeling that type of pain again, I let my guard down and I took a fall. I had the bitter task of getting my life back! For months I sat in silence, everyday was a small victory, which led to the main victory of gaining control over my mind and saving myself from myself.

IMG_2478

What’s the plan?

I had to come up with a way to fix myself and to be honest till this day I still haven’t found a way to clear and control my mind, but I am not imprisoned to my mind anymore and I thank God.

When you see me in all my pictures , you assume I have it ‘GOOD’ or that I breed confidence.

I am human and I feel pain, humiliation and depression but I have learned to accept my past and embrace my future, I know not what tomorrow holds but I do know what today must be. I enjoy everyday like it would be my last.

Carpe Diem.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s